Re: My Discontent

Excelsior... this word captured me nearly six years ago when I read a poem by Longfellow of the same name. This word that cried to never be satisfied met my heart and defined it somehow. I knew this word. It described my spirit. It was my nature. “Still higher, ever upward,” that’s what it means. It implies... no... demands dissatisfaction with the plateau and calls for ascent. I didn’t know why this word was so near to me, but recently things have become somewhat clearer in that area. I’m one who really doesn’t like to be in one place very long. I like to know the next place, and have had to learn through much frustration that God will not let me see where I am to be soon if I cannot, even with that knowledge, remain fully present where I am. I tend to become very discontent with my present surroundings, not bored, but restless. As if there is forever a movement that is necessary for me to be taking part in. Excelsior... I for many years I embraced this nature of my heart and spirit. And then I grew tired of attempting to ascend on my own strength and decided I must learn to be content. A different voice said that there was no higher place, there was nothing more to understand or know of God’s intention (all lies), and I believed it. It said that this place was good enough to rest awhile in and that there was much to do here, there was a difference to make in this place. You know what that’s called? When you know something out there is what you’re really after but you choose to either ignore that calling or you substitute something else in its place? Compromise. Compromise is the antithesis of excelsior, and I embraced it for the sake of temporal peace of mind and heart. I didn’t know what else to do.

Even in that plateau, there was my excelsior nature again. What I had settled for could not remain as it was. There must be ascent even in it. So again my flesh declared a journey to what was not mine to know, and what I considered an ascent was actually a haphazard ride straight down. Against everything I’d understood more and more, towards the place from where I began and even further until I was uncertain if I’d ever known anything but the pit. When the time came that my true nature and love could stand it no longer, and my real identity was screaming in my spirit to look at what I’d become, I claimed excelsior once again and found myself on level ground. Thank God this does not last long, and that His hand is forever long enough to reach into the pit and replace us in the Garden of our creation. He is Grace. Though I’d obeyed a different voice and left the Range I knew He’d created for me to find Him in, still He wants me to know Him anyway, and I do.

Now, as I look back on twenty one years, I wonder if for eighteen of them I knew anything but the foothills. My discontent declares there must be more and I long for the mountains. My heart hears a voice that calls me further into a range I did not know existed. My Lord made these mountains to be known. He made my heart to want to explore them and to do so with many others in intimacy and joyful adventure. Everyone makes the journey into the mountains alone and yet together. I must go higher. Sometimes I find a place of rest, as if I do not know where the next step is in this ascent, and I become frustrated once again. I hear that same voice suggesting this be “enough.” I cannot tell you how I hate that voice. I become frustrated with the limbo of between up and down. Sometimes this frustration suggests that I am back in the foothills again, and my heart becomes frightened that all is lost and I with it, but soon the light shines in that shadowed crevice and I see that there is indeed another step and my heart can once again find joy in the journey upward and homeward. This journey is not over, nor close to any from of completion. My discontent rests in the knowledge that there is more to explore in this world of faith, hope, and love. That freedom is presented to the willing that they may move and that there movement may be continuous.

My discontent does not rest in wanting more of this earth, but more of my God. I want to know what He has intended and what He has planned. My joy arrives at His word and it is this beautiful voice that calls me to claim the heights, not that I can look down, but that I may be nearer to His heart itself. You may choose where you will be. You have the right to stay where you are or to climb at your own pace. As for me, excelsior is my heart’s cry and I will run at the next word beckoning me closer that I hear. I wait for you only as long as He does not provide new light on the path. I long for you to come with me, but my desire for Him outweighs everything else. I’ve been accused of having tunnel vision, as if this is somehow a bad thing. I want Him and Him alone. Can you not support that or am I to compromise again? I will not, and it is this desire that keeps me in discontent; certainly joyful with what I have and praising Him for every Truth He has embedded in my heart, yet longing for more in the same moment. I do not thirst, yet I am not satisfied. I am willing to throw off any weight that pulls me away from Him and I am willing to cut any ties that would hinder this ascent. This may seem hasty, even harsh, rude, but I will remind you that I am not in these mountains to solely get to know you better, but Him, and if we are unified on that purpose, we will get to know each other better as we claim His calling. I am here to help you hear that ever beckoning voice. I am here to help shed light on your path if He so let’s me. I am here to declare what I have heard and how I know Him, hearing also of your discoveries and your joys. I hope you understand that I’m not out of my mind, neither am I angry. I long. I pine. I yearn. I am created to know Him and I will chase Him with everything He has given me to do so with. I just thought I’d share that with you, cause I’m not sure if it’ll ever come up in “casual” conversation. Let’s go.

Sincerely,
Greg