Dear you,
It’s been a little while now, hasn’t it… I mean, since this whole thing started. Just about a year ago I found my heart towards you. In the same moment I discovered you were not as much opposed to this love as you were fearful of it. So much has changed, yet still that hasn’t. I think of you and pray for you almost all day long, and literally (right now) all night long too. I watched you drink away the pain again tonight. I hadn’t seen that side in some time. Later you allowed the shallow wooing of a shallow lover to comfort your flesh and soothe the headache you can’t tell is truly of your heart’s origin. Sure, you laughed through the whole thing, but when you walked by late one afternoon and saw the salt trail on your cheek. I still don’t understand. I know you know that, what I don’t get is why you are so afraid. I pray against it every day. I turn my own heart over to our Father every day. I seek His pleasure above my own and truly want nothing more than for you to know Him as He has bled to let you. One year ago I mistook this pain of a loving fervor for the pain of a annoyed cell-mate. Again, how things have changed, that certainly has.
I hold to the hope that someday you’ll be ready to look into my eyes and receive the joy of your heart’s longing being fulfilled. I hold to the hope that you will be free. I hold to the promise that you are His. I do not always know what to do with the pain of watching you self-destruct. Most times I must remind myself of the awakening that comes when you finally crash into the canyon floor and I hope you’ll let me help you clean up the mess. (though so often I am not only ill equipped for such endeavors but too overwhelmed with joy at your lies’ demise to be of any use!) You ask me for things I pray you don’t receive. Can you understand the torture of such a circumstance? I pray that you finally run out of places to hide and yet you ask me to help you search for somewhere new. I pray you run out of energy to hold up your fortress wall and you ask me to help you keep stamina. Can’t you see this is counter-productive? I suppose I could be the one out of my mind and that I am being entirely selfish in hoping you come to the same place of joy and rest that I myself was brought to after a struggle that lasted longer than necessary and a weight I wasn’t supposed to carry was lifted, but I don’t think so. At any rate, this is about one year since and I wanted to write this just to say I still see you and I still love you, at this moment more than ever yet. You have turned just a little bit, and that alone has brought me joy enough to remain awake several nights just smiling. You have let down your guard one the rarest of occasions, yet that moment provides the hope of a lifetime in the same risked interaction. I have no promises, no guarantees, no assurance of any kind, yet I cannot turn away from you. There are no moments with you worth trading for any anywhere else. There is no favor, short-lived as it is most often, shown that could spur my prayers and fervent, humble desire on with pure delight that I accept but yours. Even so, I know that my heart is most often than not, misunderstood and I know that there is a great amount of time and growth to be done before this converstation can even be attempted. Yet still, I must reveal. I can hide nothing from you, though I feel I am through for now.
Goodnight.
-Greg
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