Dear You,
I’ve been thinking about you all day... I want to say, “I’m sorry” cause I know you don’t like that... you don’t like people paying you special mind at all usually... but I really can’t help it and I can’t apologize. My heart has broken probably ten times at least in the last hour with thoughts of where you are... where you keep yourself. I guess maybe I wonder how scared you are... cause every time I’m around you I just feel like you’re afraid of something, and that something is love. I know you’re not afraid to love, but I wonder if you would let yourself be loved... I wonder how many times you’ve been hurt and therefore refuse to be vulnerable enough for that risk again... my heart breaks for you even now and I can’t explain it. I just want you to know it’s real and it’s good... that it’s nothing to be afraid of and that it will be okay. Am I making stuff up and mistaking what I see? Perhaps, but I wish you’d at least tell me with a straight face and a pure heart I’m wrong if so. I can’t speak for anyone else, so I won’t right here. I love you and I’m willing to show it as best as I can, but as it is I cannot. You’re too afraid. It’s like you’ve put a filter on your vision... a filter that blocks out everything the color of love... so it’s not even there anymore... at least not in your world (It’s allowed in others’ worlds). I know that makes me disappear, or at least most of me... what is safe to see you’ll still recognize. I feel like you’re scared, and that truly hurts... there’s a world here waiting to be added to what you know already... do you even know when you put the filter on? Again, maybe I’m wrong, but I with you’d say so. I’m not trying to be anything but myself here... I’m shy, I’m brave, I’m perceptive, and blind all at the same time, and all I really want is to see you joyful... overwhelmed with the reality of Truth... present in love. I’d speak a thousand words, which is not much by my standards, but I’d do it a million times and maybe that’d count for something... I’d give all that I have, which isn’t much at all, but I’d do it every day and it would be my pleasure... I’d give my life itself (maybe I already have)... no questions asked; I’m willing for you. I don’t have a hero complex and I am not trying to be your savior; I’m much to weak and small for that.
I don’t know what to do anymore... I will not leave this place, actually I can’t anymore than I could decide to move to Saturn. Yet I realize that some of these walls that keep us apart you put up yourself. Most of them erected before my arrival, yet some of them even since. Either way, I cannot do you the injustice of trying to tear them down. So I’ll write this little note to you and slip it through the cracks to be examined and analyzed and inspected... if I’m lucky you’ll declare it worthy of response... as it is now though, I wait. I’m dismantling my walls, hoping you see. I am willing to be seen for what I am, and I am more than willing to let you witness transformation. I am not willing to be static. I am not willing to stay as I am, I long to become what I was created to be and I am not afraid of what that looks like. I am in every sense a creature living in grace, willing to obey the call to freedom and fully devoted to that reality. I don’t know what’s next... I don’t even know if you take me seriously or if I’m now simply “out there” to you. I don’t even know if this makes any sense at all, but my heart broke and, well, this came flooding out.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore... my heart hurts for you and I feel like you’re afraid. I don’t know what to do about that so I’m rambling with words and dreams and hopes and schemes... trying to figure out if I can help you not be afraid anymore... it’s not that there’s nothing dangerous out here, in fact, there’s more danger “out there” than anywhere else, in that sense your walls have served their purpose, you’re “safe.” The problem is, you are all there is in there, and you and I both know that you are not all that you need and that you are not all that you want. I know you just don’t want to be hurt, but staying in control doesn’t keep that from happening. In fact, it only makes the pain that much worse when it happens, because then you blame yourself for whatever reasons. Yes, there is danger outside of the walls... but I tell you the truth, I’ll protect you with a strength that could not possibly be my own. I’m not asking you to give up being yourself, in fact, I’m asking exactly the opposite. I’m asking you to let others see who you are. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what it is I feel like I need to say or even if I can say anything that will really reveal what I’m praying and longing for for you. I guess I’m writing this with a hint of hope and an expectation of tears in the same moment. Maybe what I’m really trying to say is that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ve seen something deeper than what you’ve shown, and I love it, I love you. Can words sway fear? I don’t know, only if they’re true, and these are. I guess all I’m asking is that you watch... just watch and when you see “it”... when it hits you that there is nothing to be afraid of and that even if there is danger it’s worth every moment of freedom you experience: RUN. Watch... with your eyes wide open, filter off, heart peeking ever so cautiously, you’ll see the truth of this love... and I think you’ll find it beautiful. I don't know what else to do. I speak only for myself with this. I can do nothing else. I love you. Goodnight.
Openly,
Greg
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Re: Childlike Concern
Most people in my sphere of existence are familiar with the music of Five Iron Frenzy. Brave Saint Saturn is side project created by Reese Roper and a few other members of FIF intended to let out more of the dark and intense thoughts they were not comfortable sharing via ska. This band has really captured me many times, the latest being this afternoon. These lyrics are posted for you to read, but I encourage you to listen to the song itself if you can somehow.
I'm not here to interpret a song, but I'll share with you what God wrote on my heart while I was listening if you're willing to listen. What happens to our forever protecting nature? This is not the time or place for a debate on original sin and shameless pain or evil, but I generally think that most of us at one point in time would rather protect the creation than destroy it. There is such a radical shift displayed in this song, and it depicts so many of our lives. How do we regain the childlike concern we cherish and treasure in such words as in this first verse? Maybe that's just me... maybe you don't see those words and feel inside that's the way it should be, then go on to read the second verse and realize that's what reflects reality more often than not. We must regain that concern for the HEALING and restoration that is necessary in the lives of many around us. How long will it be before our hearts break for freedom and healing? How long will it be before our tears "sing?" There's a lot going on in my heart and head right now... I wonder if there might be a bit going on in yours now, too. I hope so.
-Greg
------------------------
Starling
By: Brave Saint Saturn
Album: Anti-Meridian
Filthy bird laying in our yard,
four chambered heart never beat so hard.
Dad said she was almost gone,
upside down out on our lawn.
And I could hold her in a shoe box,
if she heals she could be mine.
And if I cannot save her spirit,
dad says I should break her spine.
Shaking, brilliant, silver-black wings,
Jesus Christ, what prayers these tears sing.
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Two years pass, I pumped the chamber,
full of air to shoot the birds.
Harmless game to hit them slightly,
to scare them off, in other words.
Starling falling to her death,
piercing copper steals her breath.
See the flutter in her breast,
starving babies in her nest.
Raise their souls up to the sky,
why must helpless creatures die?
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Every breath has sacred weight,
every life has some design.
Can we kill and also save,
speak of life, while digging graves?
I'm not here to interpret a song, but I'll share with you what God wrote on my heart while I was listening if you're willing to listen. What happens to our forever protecting nature? This is not the time or place for a debate on original sin and shameless pain or evil, but I generally think that most of us at one point in time would rather protect the creation than destroy it. There is such a radical shift displayed in this song, and it depicts so many of our lives. How do we regain the childlike concern we cherish and treasure in such words as in this first verse? Maybe that's just me... maybe you don't see those words and feel inside that's the way it should be, then go on to read the second verse and realize that's what reflects reality more often than not. We must regain that concern for the HEALING and restoration that is necessary in the lives of many around us. How long will it be before our hearts break for freedom and healing? How long will it be before our tears "sing?" There's a lot going on in my heart and head right now... I wonder if there might be a bit going on in yours now, too. I hope so.
-Greg
------------------------
Starling
By: Brave Saint Saturn
Album: Anti-Meridian
Filthy bird laying in our yard,
four chambered heart never beat so hard.
Dad said she was almost gone,
upside down out on our lawn.
And I could hold her in a shoe box,
if she heals she could be mine.
And if I cannot save her spirit,
dad says I should break her spine.
Shaking, brilliant, silver-black wings,
Jesus Christ, what prayers these tears sing.
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Two years pass, I pumped the chamber,
full of air to shoot the birds.
Harmless game to hit them slightly,
to scare them off, in other words.
Starling falling to her death,
piercing copper steals her breath.
See the flutter in her breast,
starving babies in her nest.
Raise their souls up to the sky,
why must helpless creatures die?
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Every breath has sacred weight,
every life has some design.
Can we kill and also save,
speak of life, while digging graves?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Re: Heroism
Just some thoughts spinning around up in my head for the past few days...
What is a hero? You know... those people we look up to as if they have found something we haven't... is there really something extraordinary in their persona or circumstances that make them such... or is it really the notion that it is THEIR persona in the midst of circumstances... if hiding is unnatural... if exposure is so risky and vulnerability is so extremely uncomfortable, yet it's something we all look up to... then what if heroes really are just people who dared to embrace being the person God created them to be? While the rest of the world is mimicking those daring few and thinking to themselves "I'd like to be that" or some such other notion, they are willing to say, "I want to be myself." What does that mean for the extraordinary? What does that mean for the ordinary? What is a hero? I really think I am coming to believe that a hero is simply someone who has done just that... become not just content, but delighted with their created purpose (note this can only be known after coming to a knowing of a purpose Creator)... someone who may just have really, truly said- "I enjoy being me. I am not just comfortable with myself, but as I discover more and more who God intended me to be with Him, I find that I am more and more delighted."
Could it really be?
I know this is repetitive... but I cannot escape thoughts concerned with the truth of our identities. I cannot escape thoughts concerning hiding and exposure and discovery and somewhere along the lines you come into those thoughts... so I wonder what you think back. Maybe we can have a small conversation... maybe not. Either way, let's get out there.
What is a hero? You know... those people we look up to as if they have found something we haven't... is there really something extraordinary in their persona or circumstances that make them such... or is it really the notion that it is THEIR persona in the midst of circumstances... if hiding is unnatural... if exposure is so risky and vulnerability is so extremely uncomfortable, yet it's something we all look up to... then what if heroes really are just people who dared to embrace being the person God created them to be? While the rest of the world is mimicking those daring few and thinking to themselves "I'd like to be that" or some such other notion, they are willing to say, "I want to be myself." What does that mean for the extraordinary? What does that mean for the ordinary? What is a hero? I really think I am coming to believe that a hero is simply someone who has done just that... become not just content, but delighted with their created purpose (note this can only be known after coming to a knowing of a purpose Creator)... someone who may just have really, truly said- "I enjoy being me. I am not just comfortable with myself, but as I discover more and more who God intended me to be with Him, I find that I am more and more delighted."
Could it really be?
I know this is repetitive... but I cannot escape thoughts concerned with the truth of our identities. I cannot escape thoughts concerning hiding and exposure and discovery and somewhere along the lines you come into those thoughts... so I wonder what you think back. Maybe we can have a small conversation... maybe not. Either way, let's get out there.
April 6, 2009: Nope... It's just me
Dear You,
What are you supposed to do when something connects with your heart so purely that you're speechless? (yes, without speech) The song lyric's at the bottom of this page are not (to the best of my knowledge) original to David Crowder, though it is his recording that has struck something deep inside of me. I hear something here... and I can't really explain it. It's more than the rousing war cry that the Supertones evoke from my spirit... it's more than the gentle affirmation that Jars of Clay so often presents to my mind. It's a pain in my chest. This song hurts and I don't exactly know why, except that I feel these words as if a million people were screaming them into my heart, "All of my life, I've been in hiding..." and all I can think is that I want them to COME OUT. The world around us, our lives, our experiences, so often our own people- have done so much to distort the nature and identity that God has intended for us. Yes, I know the effects of sin, the brutality of lies on lives, and there is something here that pulls from within me an enraged cry of "ENOUGH!" There are so many hiding... there are so many hidden. Hurt, broken, deceived, embittered, torn, shattered, puffed up- all hiding. I think back to the response Adam and Eve had in the Garden when they hid themselves. Who from?
From EACH OTHER...
and...
From God Himself.
We are not meant to be hidden.
We are meant to know Him and others and be known as well. Yet we are scared... confused... and for most of us, it has been for what seems like all of our lives that we've been in this place: HIDDEN. I can't really stand it anymore. I myself do not feel hidden- and that has been a very recent freedom, which is really what it is... FREEDOM. Yes, my tactics may seem and feel a bit different than what others may have done before me, but there is something here... something that can't not be done. There is something about this that I cannot escape. Identity... BEING... the question "WHO AM I?" these things, hearing you whisper them under your breath in frustration and even sorrow, they empassion my own soul... this song... these words... YOUR and HIS words speaking to me... my heart. There are so many "wishing there were someone" and I know that I am, in all actuality, someone, and I know that I can help you come out of hiding. I know it's what I was meant to do... to introduce you to Freedom by Name... to introduce you to Truth by Face. Not simply words that carry abstract meaning and connotations of hope or a fleeting and illusive ghostly Being... the master of "hide and seek"... no, not him, but the Being, the One, the Answer, the Revealed, the Exposed (not hidden) God. He, Who truly displayed HIS own nature, was more naked than you or I could ever imagine being, when He died in our places. That is a naked God, not a hidden God. And He reveals Himself so that you yourself may be exposed, and know who you actually are... that you may know Him as He created you to... that you may know the Truth... and that you may be FREE to BE who He created you to be.
Sigh...
Exhale... again... breathe out once more... that's all I've got. There's something here and it just tears me up and puts me together all at the same time. Maybe you'll give it a listen and hear nothing. Maybe you'll hear eternity beckoning. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for you... I want to know you... I can't as long as you hide... I'm trying my very best to let you see me... to be in plain sight... not just so you see me, but so that you recognize that I want nothing more than for you to join us.
-Greg
.....................................................
Deliver Me
By: David Crowder* Band
From: Illuminate
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me...
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
What are you supposed to do when something connects with your heart so purely that you're speechless? (yes, without speech) The song lyric's at the bottom of this page are not (to the best of my knowledge) original to David Crowder, though it is his recording that has struck something deep inside of me. I hear something here... and I can't really explain it. It's more than the rousing war cry that the Supertones evoke from my spirit... it's more than the gentle affirmation that Jars of Clay so often presents to my mind. It's a pain in my chest. This song hurts and I don't exactly know why, except that I feel these words as if a million people were screaming them into my heart, "All of my life, I've been in hiding..." and all I can think is that I want them to COME OUT. The world around us, our lives, our experiences, so often our own people- have done so much to distort the nature and identity that God has intended for us. Yes, I know the effects of sin, the brutality of lies on lives, and there is something here that pulls from within me an enraged cry of "ENOUGH!" There are so many hiding... there are so many hidden. Hurt, broken, deceived, embittered, torn, shattered, puffed up- all hiding. I think back to the response Adam and Eve had in the Garden when they hid themselves. Who from?
From EACH OTHER...
and...
From God Himself.
We are not meant to be hidden.
We are meant to know Him and others and be known as well. Yet we are scared... confused... and for most of us, it has been for what seems like all of our lives that we've been in this place: HIDDEN. I can't really stand it anymore. I myself do not feel hidden- and that has been a very recent freedom, which is really what it is... FREEDOM. Yes, my tactics may seem and feel a bit different than what others may have done before me, but there is something here... something that can't not be done. There is something about this that I cannot escape. Identity... BEING... the question "WHO AM I?" these things, hearing you whisper them under your breath in frustration and even sorrow, they empassion my own soul... this song... these words... YOUR and HIS words speaking to me... my heart. There are so many "wishing there were someone" and I know that I am, in all actuality, someone, and I know that I can help you come out of hiding. I know it's what I was meant to do... to introduce you to Freedom by Name... to introduce you to Truth by Face. Not simply words that carry abstract meaning and connotations of hope or a fleeting and illusive ghostly Being... the master of "hide and seek"... no, not him, but the Being, the One, the Answer, the Revealed, the Exposed (not hidden) God. He, Who truly displayed HIS own nature, was more naked than you or I could ever imagine being, when He died in our places. That is a naked God, not a hidden God. And He reveals Himself so that you yourself may be exposed, and know who you actually are... that you may know Him as He created you to... that you may know the Truth... and that you may be FREE to BE who He created you to be.
Sigh...
Exhale... again... breathe out once more... that's all I've got. There's something here and it just tears me up and puts me together all at the same time. Maybe you'll give it a listen and hear nothing. Maybe you'll hear eternity beckoning. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for you... I want to know you... I can't as long as you hide... I'm trying my very best to let you see me... to be in plain sight... not just so you see me, but so that you recognize that I want nothing more than for you to join us.
-Greg
.....................................................
Deliver Me
By: David Crowder* Band
From: Illuminate
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me...
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
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