Dear You,
I’ve been thinking about you all day... I want to say, “I’m sorry” cause I know you don’t like that... you don’t like people paying you special mind at all usually... but I really can’t help it and I can’t apologize. My heart has broken probably ten times at least in the last hour with thoughts of where you are... where you keep yourself. I guess maybe I wonder how scared you are... cause every time I’m around you I just feel like you’re afraid of something, and that something is love. I know you’re not afraid to love, but I wonder if you would let yourself be loved... I wonder how many times you’ve been hurt and therefore refuse to be vulnerable enough for that risk again... my heart breaks for you even now and I can’t explain it. I just want you to know it’s real and it’s good... that it’s nothing to be afraid of and that it will be okay. Am I making stuff up and mistaking what I see? Perhaps, but I wish you’d at least tell me with a straight face and a pure heart I’m wrong if so. I can’t speak for anyone else, so I won’t right here. I love you and I’m willing to show it as best as I can, but as it is I cannot. You’re too afraid. It’s like you’ve put a filter on your vision... a filter that blocks out everything the color of love... so it’s not even there anymore... at least not in your world (It’s allowed in others’ worlds). I know that makes me disappear, or at least most of me... what is safe to see you’ll still recognize. I feel like you’re scared, and that truly hurts... there’s a world here waiting to be added to what you know already... do you even know when you put the filter on? Again, maybe I’m wrong, but I with you’d say so. I’m not trying to be anything but myself here... I’m shy, I’m brave, I’m perceptive, and blind all at the same time, and all I really want is to see you joyful... overwhelmed with the reality of Truth... present in love. I’d speak a thousand words, which is not much by my standards, but I’d do it a million times and maybe that’d count for something... I’d give all that I have, which isn’t much at all, but I’d do it every day and it would be my pleasure... I’d give my life itself (maybe I already have)... no questions asked; I’m willing for you. I don’t have a hero complex and I am not trying to be your savior; I’m much to weak and small for that.
I don’t know what to do anymore... I will not leave this place, actually I can’t anymore than I could decide to move to Saturn. Yet I realize that some of these walls that keep us apart you put up yourself. Most of them erected before my arrival, yet some of them even since. Either way, I cannot do you the injustice of trying to tear them down. So I’ll write this little note to you and slip it through the cracks to be examined and analyzed and inspected... if I’m lucky you’ll declare it worthy of response... as it is now though, I wait. I’m dismantling my walls, hoping you see. I am willing to be seen for what I am, and I am more than willing to let you witness transformation. I am not willing to be static. I am not willing to stay as I am, I long to become what I was created to be and I am not afraid of what that looks like. I am in every sense a creature living in grace, willing to obey the call to freedom and fully devoted to that reality. I don’t know what’s next... I don’t even know if you take me seriously or if I’m now simply “out there” to you. I don’t even know if this makes any sense at all, but my heart broke and, well, this came flooding out.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore... my heart hurts for you and I feel like you’re afraid. I don’t know what to do about that so I’m rambling with words and dreams and hopes and schemes... trying to figure out if I can help you not be afraid anymore... it’s not that there’s nothing dangerous out here, in fact, there’s more danger “out there” than anywhere else, in that sense your walls have served their purpose, you’re “safe.” The problem is, you are all there is in there, and you and I both know that you are not all that you need and that you are not all that you want. I know you just don’t want to be hurt, but staying in control doesn’t keep that from happening. In fact, it only makes the pain that much worse when it happens, because then you blame yourself for whatever reasons. Yes, there is danger outside of the walls... but I tell you the truth, I’ll protect you with a strength that could not possibly be my own. I’m not asking you to give up being yourself, in fact, I’m asking exactly the opposite. I’m asking you to let others see who you are. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what it is I feel like I need to say or even if I can say anything that will really reveal what I’m praying and longing for for you. I guess I’m writing this with a hint of hope and an expectation of tears in the same moment. Maybe what I’m really trying to say is that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ve seen something deeper than what you’ve shown, and I love it, I love you. Can words sway fear? I don’t know, only if they’re true, and these are. I guess all I’m asking is that you watch... just watch and when you see “it”... when it hits you that there is nothing to be afraid of and that even if there is danger it’s worth every moment of freedom you experience: RUN. Watch... with your eyes wide open, filter off, heart peeking ever so cautiously, you’ll see the truth of this love... and I think you’ll find it beautiful. I don't know what else to do. I speak only for myself with this. I can do nothing else. I love you. Goodnight.
Openly,
Greg
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