Dear you,
I’m sorry.
Those seem to be the only words that my heart allows at the moment…
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you’ve been abused… broken… hurt… tricked… taken advantage of… mistreated… downplayed… pained… scarred… hated… lied to.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say…
Except… well.
I love you.
I love you, and the love that I have for you may as well be nothing when compared to the love I am learning to reflect. This reflection is dull… darkened… shallow... overshadowed by my own depravity, selfishness, and humanity, and yet the source, He who shows me pure and true love, has no darkness or dimness. His light is pure and unimaginably freeing. I want to love you that way. May He teach me more honestly and openly, for I see such pain and brokenness in your life. I want you to know this love. I want you to know this joy. I want you to know this FREEDOM. And yet the only words I can say are… I’m sorry. I don’t know why… but I wish I could undo it all. I want to take the pain and the lies away. I want you to know the truth and I want you to be free. I love you. I don’t know what else to do… I know you’re tired of hearing it, yet I feel the resolution to live it before you. Would you dare to see it? Or, will you hide behind closed eyes, tolerating the pain and the sorrow, hoping everyone just goes away?
Open them… please.
You close them and it undermines everything. Glory is ultimately something we must see, not just hear. Love must be known in action, not only speech. I know my words have reached your ears, yet I pray desperately it would reach your eyes, and through them, your heart. My heart is broken for you… even now I don’t know what to do but write in with the simple hope your heart will find a moment to read such things that are daringly expressed in the face of depravity. What is next for us? I don’t know. My love for you burns anew each day, as if the sun itself adds sets my heart ablaze each morning with its rising. Maybe someday I’ll learn the magic words needed to show you what I really mean. Maybe someday I’ll learn the secret of speaking directly to your heart. Maybe someday I’ll really know what you’re thinking and can then speak against the fears and the past pains that numb your ears to His words and close your eyes to His heart. Maybe someday… or maybe someday you’ll just want to know what it is that I see in you, and maybe on that day you’ll be just honest enough to look past me to see the One whom I represent, asking what it is that HE sees in you, calling your name with tears in His eyes, asking you to come home… maybe you’ll look around for the source of the reflection… you’ll learn that I’m nothing but an expression… and you’ll laugh as you realize what it is that you’ve been caught up in, indefinable though seems to be... you'll cry and I'll heave a great sigh of relief and joy and celebration... I'll marvel at what He has done and thank Him for the chance to be part of it for you. I'll look at you and pray you see what He sees. I'll cry in your healing... you'll laugh in His love... and the Kingdom will be ours. I can see it...
And yet in my vision is also the sight of what blocks your view, and for the sake of that sight I am sorry, and I am willing to help you tear down that wall, that you may hold the promises meant for your life, that you might know joy, hope, and peace, that you might run freely and with strength... because I love you, and I want you to know the Reason why.
Love,
Me
.........................................................................................
Micah 7:14-20
14 Shepherd your people with your staff,
the flock of your inheritance,
which lives by itself in a forest,
in fertile pasturelands.
Let them feed in Bashan and Gilead
as in days long ago.
15 "As in the days when you came out of Egypt,
I will show them my wonders."
16 Nations will see and be ashamed,
deprived of all their power.
They will lay their hands on their mouths
and their ears will become deaf.
17 They will lick dust like a snake,
like creatures that crawl on the ground.
They will come trembling out of their dens;
they will turn in fear to the LORD our God
and will be afraid of you.
18 Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.
19 You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
20 You will be true to Jacob,
and show mercy to Abraham,
as you pledged on oath to our fathers
in days long ago.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Re: Today
Sometimes I want to give up. Period. Like today... there's just this funk about it. The kind of funk that comes from reading ill-casted facebook notes and hearing vomitous words spoken from hardly honest traditions held. These days make me want to go back to a place called "easy." Where all I have to do is sit in a room with a semi-circular table and wait for open minds to come through the door. Where I simply have to choose three or four logically associated lyrically appropriate tunes to string together and inspire willingly led people into emotional highs. Where language arts, background education, and rhetorical skills were afforded more authority than the Holy Spirit's anointing, prophetic spew, or a burdened heart. This day seems more likely to crush me beneath the weight of unwilling hearers and steadfast tradition holders than anything else. Some days it would just be easier to go back to the place of frustration at things that felt less than eternal and were therefore easier to get through. Where a shower and a guitar session did ease the heaviness of my spirit at the disobedience of my friends. Where pursuing an uncommon relationship was the goal rather than the pursuit of a holy one. Those were the days.
Were these days counted? Yes. Was this cost laid on the table and deemed worth every tear? Yes. Was there a moment when I knew I couldn't go back? Yes. Was there a time when I realized that my education was probably all for not? Yes. Was there at any time the option afforded to simply stay and enjoy the temporal happiness of fluid and shallow relationships spend over profane and even evil entertainment? Yes.
So what now? What was that cost counted for? Where is the joyful fruit of nearly two years on the naughty list of people I love and respect? Where is the return of the risky and almost desperate investment in real freedom and empowered speech? Where is the exchange on education for anointing and information for heart cutting truth? Where is the fruit grown from the rain of tears I have let go over lives I couldn't bear watching run down the same path of which I saw death standing at the end?
Where is it?
Oh, it's around. :D
M.M
J.H.
A.B.
D.P.
R.O.
.............................................................
If I Stand
Rich Mullins
There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side
And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
And if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
www.kidbrothers.net
Were these days counted? Yes. Was this cost laid on the table and deemed worth every tear? Yes. Was there a moment when I knew I couldn't go back? Yes. Was there a time when I realized that my education was probably all for not? Yes. Was there at any time the option afforded to simply stay and enjoy the temporal happiness of fluid and shallow relationships spend over profane and even evil entertainment? Yes.
So what now? What was that cost counted for? Where is the joyful fruit of nearly two years on the naughty list of people I love and respect? Where is the return of the risky and almost desperate investment in real freedom and empowered speech? Where is the exchange on education for anointing and information for heart cutting truth? Where is the fruit grown from the rain of tears I have let go over lives I couldn't bear watching run down the same path of which I saw death standing at the end?
Where is it?
Oh, it's around. :D
M.M
J.H.
A.B.
D.P.
R.O.
.............................................................
If I Stand
Rich Mullins
There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side
And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
And if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
www.kidbrothers.net
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Decisions
I was told last night by a co-worker who has evidently "seen it all" that at this point in his life he is hoping for nothing else than to "die comfortably." I don't know if I can explain in any amount of words how shocked and absolutely appalled I was. He is admittedly in disbelief of any god or purpose, and as far as his life is concerned now, that's all he wants. He doesn't want the slow, drawn out thing that so many go through. He doesn't want the out of the blue car accident or anything like that. Does this surprise me? No.
My thoughts wander more towards those around me to confess belief and yet chase the very thing my friend is: a comfortable death. Well? How about it? There are thousands of comforts in out lives, things that money affords and things that all kinds of stuff can bring about. I know many believers, some of whom are my closest friends who literally are doing nothing other than "dieing comfortably." Here is my question:
What about the "abundant life" that Jesus Christ claimed He had come to bring? What about freedom? What about fruit?
Is your "abundant life" anything more than "dieing comfortably?" Or is it a drawn out, spiritually fruitful, hell defeating, heaven proclaiming, disciple making, and freedom creating empowered life?
I believe that's for you to decide.
My thoughts wander more towards those around me to confess belief and yet chase the very thing my friend is: a comfortable death. Well? How about it? There are thousands of comforts in out lives, things that money affords and things that all kinds of stuff can bring about. I know many believers, some of whom are my closest friends who literally are doing nothing other than "dieing comfortably." Here is my question:
What about the "abundant life" that Jesus Christ claimed He had come to bring? What about freedom? What about fruit?
Is your "abundant life" anything more than "dieing comfortably?" Or is it a drawn out, spiritually fruitful, hell defeating, heaven proclaiming, disciple making, and freedom creating empowered life?
I believe that's for you to decide.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Heartache
*sigh*
It's about 3:00am where I currently am, and I have had an enduring pain in my soul for several days now. I truly wish I knew how to be rid of it, but clearly such relief is not meant for the present moment. I do not know what is next in my life right now... I suppose that is in itself a very good thing. Work in the mountains never gets old (though this heartache does), and I continue to experience a new brokenness for/in my generation nearly every day. I wonder anymore if this pain is nothing more than a distraction... something to keep me chasing my own hopes and whispered prayers into darker and darker, more secret corners of my life instead of simply spewing them into the air and being rid of the heaviness so often befalling my heart. Somehow my voice is bound and unable to share these things with those around me... I am free with only a few people and there have found no resolution.
I don't know what to do. In all honesty the one thing that comes to mind is weep, and as experience has proven before, that doesn't help. I work among people who not only reject the spiritual nature of their lives, but thwart it, starve it, kill it. They drown the cry of their existence in soulish desires and fruitless experiences. All I really want is some honesty right now I think. I'd like to have an honest and genuine conversation with someone about life in general, but alas, most often what comes from the mouths of those around me are lies bathed in alcohol and caressing flatteries laced with self-interest. Those that I love the most seem afraid to share what they are truly going through, as if vulnerability is something I do not respect and protection is not my most natural and fiercest passion. I truly crave honesty more than anything else right now. Other than that (Perhaps even because of that), I am exhausted. My heart is nearly dehydrated it has wept so often in the last week. My mind feels flat for trying in vain to figure out how such lifestyles as I see are appealing or desired at all. My body wonders when it'll enjoy a normal sleep cycle for just one week's time. My spirit sees the many needs and calls in earnest for authentic and holy help, only to see the enemy sweep in and provide a distorted and shallow solution to eternal problems. All that to say, I ache, and I don't know the nature of the sharpest, deepest tear in my heart, which is perhaps more frustrating than anything else.
It's about 3:00am where I currently am, and I have had an enduring pain in my soul for several days now. I truly wish I knew how to be rid of it, but clearly such relief is not meant for the present moment. I do not know what is next in my life right now... I suppose that is in itself a very good thing. Work in the mountains never gets old (though this heartache does), and I continue to experience a new brokenness for/in my generation nearly every day. I wonder anymore if this pain is nothing more than a distraction... something to keep me chasing my own hopes and whispered prayers into darker and darker, more secret corners of my life instead of simply spewing them into the air and being rid of the heaviness so often befalling my heart. Somehow my voice is bound and unable to share these things with those around me... I am free with only a few people and there have found no resolution.
I don't know what to do. In all honesty the one thing that comes to mind is weep, and as experience has proven before, that doesn't help. I work among people who not only reject the spiritual nature of their lives, but thwart it, starve it, kill it. They drown the cry of their existence in soulish desires and fruitless experiences. All I really want is some honesty right now I think. I'd like to have an honest and genuine conversation with someone about life in general, but alas, most often what comes from the mouths of those around me are lies bathed in alcohol and caressing flatteries laced with self-interest. Those that I love the most seem afraid to share what they are truly going through, as if vulnerability is something I do not respect and protection is not my most natural and fiercest passion. I truly crave honesty more than anything else right now. Other than that (Perhaps even because of that), I am exhausted. My heart is nearly dehydrated it has wept so often in the last week. My mind feels flat for trying in vain to figure out how such lifestyles as I see are appealing or desired at all. My body wonders when it'll enjoy a normal sleep cycle for just one week's time. My spirit sees the many needs and calls in earnest for authentic and holy help, only to see the enemy sweep in and provide a distorted and shallow solution to eternal problems. All that to say, I ache, and I don't know the nature of the sharpest, deepest tear in my heart, which is perhaps more frustrating than anything else.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Rich Mullins on "Love"
Another radical Rich Mullins quote:
If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.
Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Rich_Mullins
If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.
Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Rich_Mullins
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
June 1, 2009: Time
Dear you,
It’s been a little while now, hasn’t it… I mean, since this whole thing started. Just about a year ago I found my heart towards you. In the same moment I discovered you were not as much opposed to this love as you were fearful of it. So much has changed, yet still that hasn’t. I think of you and pray for you almost all day long, and literally (right now) all night long too. I watched you drink away the pain again tonight. I hadn’t seen that side in some time. Later you allowed the shallow wooing of a shallow lover to comfort your flesh and soothe the headache you can’t tell is truly of your heart’s origin. Sure, you laughed through the whole thing, but when you walked by late one afternoon and saw the salt trail on your cheek. I still don’t understand. I know you know that, what I don’t get is why you are so afraid. I pray against it every day. I turn my own heart over to our Father every day. I seek His pleasure above my own and truly want nothing more than for you to know Him as He has bled to let you. One year ago I mistook this pain of a loving fervor for the pain of a annoyed cell-mate. Again, how things have changed, that certainly has.
I hold to the hope that someday you’ll be ready to look into my eyes and receive the joy of your heart’s longing being fulfilled. I hold to the hope that you will be free. I hold to the promise that you are His. I do not always know what to do with the pain of watching you self-destruct. Most times I must remind myself of the awakening that comes when you finally crash into the canyon floor and I hope you’ll let me help you clean up the mess. (though so often I am not only ill equipped for such endeavors but too overwhelmed with joy at your lies’ demise to be of any use!) You ask me for things I pray you don’t receive. Can you understand the torture of such a circumstance? I pray that you finally run out of places to hide and yet you ask me to help you search for somewhere new. I pray you run out of energy to hold up your fortress wall and you ask me to help you keep stamina. Can’t you see this is counter-productive? I suppose I could be the one out of my mind and that I am being entirely selfish in hoping you come to the same place of joy and rest that I myself was brought to after a struggle that lasted longer than necessary and a weight I wasn’t supposed to carry was lifted, but I don’t think so. At any rate, this is about one year since and I wanted to write this just to say I still see you and I still love you, at this moment more than ever yet. You have turned just a little bit, and that alone has brought me joy enough to remain awake several nights just smiling. You have let down your guard one the rarest of occasions, yet that moment provides the hope of a lifetime in the same risked interaction. I have no promises, no guarantees, no assurance of any kind, yet I cannot turn away from you. There are no moments with you worth trading for any anywhere else. There is no favor, short-lived as it is most often, shown that could spur my prayers and fervent, humble desire on with pure delight that I accept but yours. Even so, I know that my heart is most often than not, misunderstood and I know that there is a great amount of time and growth to be done before this converstation can even be attempted. Yet still, I must reveal. I can hide nothing from you, though I feel I am through for now.
Goodnight.
-Greg
It’s been a little while now, hasn’t it… I mean, since this whole thing started. Just about a year ago I found my heart towards you. In the same moment I discovered you were not as much opposed to this love as you were fearful of it. So much has changed, yet still that hasn’t. I think of you and pray for you almost all day long, and literally (right now) all night long too. I watched you drink away the pain again tonight. I hadn’t seen that side in some time. Later you allowed the shallow wooing of a shallow lover to comfort your flesh and soothe the headache you can’t tell is truly of your heart’s origin. Sure, you laughed through the whole thing, but when you walked by late one afternoon and saw the salt trail on your cheek. I still don’t understand. I know you know that, what I don’t get is why you are so afraid. I pray against it every day. I turn my own heart over to our Father every day. I seek His pleasure above my own and truly want nothing more than for you to know Him as He has bled to let you. One year ago I mistook this pain of a loving fervor for the pain of a annoyed cell-mate. Again, how things have changed, that certainly has.
I hold to the hope that someday you’ll be ready to look into my eyes and receive the joy of your heart’s longing being fulfilled. I hold to the hope that you will be free. I hold to the promise that you are His. I do not always know what to do with the pain of watching you self-destruct. Most times I must remind myself of the awakening that comes when you finally crash into the canyon floor and I hope you’ll let me help you clean up the mess. (though so often I am not only ill equipped for such endeavors but too overwhelmed with joy at your lies’ demise to be of any use!) You ask me for things I pray you don’t receive. Can you understand the torture of such a circumstance? I pray that you finally run out of places to hide and yet you ask me to help you search for somewhere new. I pray you run out of energy to hold up your fortress wall and you ask me to help you keep stamina. Can’t you see this is counter-productive? I suppose I could be the one out of my mind and that I am being entirely selfish in hoping you come to the same place of joy and rest that I myself was brought to after a struggle that lasted longer than necessary and a weight I wasn’t supposed to carry was lifted, but I don’t think so. At any rate, this is about one year since and I wanted to write this just to say I still see you and I still love you, at this moment more than ever yet. You have turned just a little bit, and that alone has brought me joy enough to remain awake several nights just smiling. You have let down your guard one the rarest of occasions, yet that moment provides the hope of a lifetime in the same risked interaction. I have no promises, no guarantees, no assurance of any kind, yet I cannot turn away from you. There are no moments with you worth trading for any anywhere else. There is no favor, short-lived as it is most often, shown that could spur my prayers and fervent, humble desire on with pure delight that I accept but yours. Even so, I know that my heart is most often than not, misunderstood and I know that there is a great amount of time and growth to be done before this converstation can even be attempted. Yet still, I must reveal. I can hide nothing from you, though I feel I am through for now.
Goodnight.
-Greg
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Re: Heartburn
SO... I don't know what is going to come of all this, but the Lord has truly broken my heart in the last few days for one thing and one thing only: to know God's heart. I found myself on my face last night, sobbing and simply longing to know any part of Him that I do not, and I realized that though He has privileged me to hear and see His thoughts and hands and feet at work, I am not intimately acquainted with His heart. After this encounter, He brought me to this passage of scripture in Jeremiah (Chapter 3), and by His grace I will soon hear what He has in it for me. His ways are mysterious sometimes, and I so often wish He were simply CLEAR with His message. Though I do no know that any confusion of the message lives in my filter of hearing and not in His voice. Let His Spirit penetrate my life and teach me what He desires. That's really all I have personally. For more on the internship experiences see: www.bcywominginterns.blogspot.com . Press on.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Is this Right?
This interview is from August of 2005. The source page is YouTube, but for a fuller presentation of Mr. Robertson's statements, see: http://mediamatters.org/clips/200508220006
Yes, I know this is old, but to me, it's new. You know that I am anti-violence, but I think there are things that cross lines for even the most aggressive of people claiming faith in Christ. I've got to wonder what the rest of the world thinks when things like this are spoken from the mouth of one who has the support of many Christians in America. Does this represent the living and dying by the sword? I think it's pretty clear. Now, if Mr. Robertson is making a statement from the viewpoint of America as a political nation, then that's one thing, if however, he is presenting his personal opinion as a Christian leader... well, that's quite another isn't it?
Yes, I know this is old, but to me, it's new. You know that I am anti-violence, but I think there are things that cross lines for even the most aggressive of people claiming faith in Christ. I've got to wonder what the rest of the world thinks when things like this are spoken from the mouth of one who has the support of many Christians in America. Does this represent the living and dying by the sword? I think it's pretty clear. Now, if Mr. Robertson is making a statement from the viewpoint of America as a political nation, then that's one thing, if however, he is presenting his personal opinion as a Christian leader... well, that's quite another isn't it?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Re: Purpose
I have a question for you: which of these circles represents the better hole?
Now, I hope that you are clever enough to notice something here and call me out on it. “Greg,” you ought say, “We don’ have enough information to determine the better hole here. All we have is two dimensions of a three dimensional thing.” I hope you did. If so, bravo! Here’s your missing information:
What am I trying to say in as crude a fashion Microsoft Paint will allows? Well, I think you’re already tracking with me. Are we out for something widespread and shallow in our faith, or do we crave depth? I know of many, many beautifully large and wondrous ministries that seem to be viewable from space, but you know what? They barely break the bedrock of depth and truth. As Paul says, they have not moved on to the meat of faith. On the other hand, I know of only a few holes that, when viewed from above, appear tiny and insignificant, yet when they are truly explored we find they have dared to venture far beyond the bedrock into the core of matters. Though they do not cover a large amount of surface and appear so very weak because of this reality, they have declared their purpose not something of WIDTH, but DEPTH (By which is a hole judged, anyway?), and so find what few have known before them. There are craters out there made by such projectiles that impact a wide and broad area, but do not drive the impacted deeper than a few feet. Then there are those projectiles that, with precision and velocity impact something very small, but make their way into a place further than known before. I hope that you are searching for depth. I myself would rather be and reproduce thousands of narrow holes that plummet miles into the core of faith than gather millions of shallow holes that do not know for what reason others dig, but that's just me.
Now, I hope that you are clever enough to notice something here and call me out on it. “Greg,” you ought say, “We don’ have enough information to determine the better hole here. All we have is two dimensions of a three dimensional thing.” I hope you did. If so, bravo! Here’s your missing information:
What am I trying to say in as crude a fashion Microsoft Paint will allows? Well, I think you’re already tracking with me. Are we out for something widespread and shallow in our faith, or do we crave depth? I know of many, many beautifully large and wondrous ministries that seem to be viewable from space, but you know what? They barely break the bedrock of depth and truth. As Paul says, they have not moved on to the meat of faith. On the other hand, I know of only a few holes that, when viewed from above, appear tiny and insignificant, yet when they are truly explored we find they have dared to venture far beyond the bedrock into the core of matters. Though they do not cover a large amount of surface and appear so very weak because of this reality, they have declared their purpose not something of WIDTH, but DEPTH (By which is a hole judged, anyway?), and so find what few have known before them. There are craters out there made by such projectiles that impact a wide and broad area, but do not drive the impacted deeper than a few feet. Then there are those projectiles that, with precision and velocity impact something very small, but make their way into a place further than known before. I hope that you are searching for depth. I myself would rather be and reproduce thousands of narrow holes that plummet miles into the core of faith than gather millions of shallow holes that do not know for what reason others dig, but that's just me.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Re: My Discontent
Excelsior... this word captured me nearly six years ago when I read a poem by Longfellow of the same name. This word that cried to never be satisfied met my heart and defined it somehow. I knew this word. It described my spirit. It was my nature. “Still higher, ever upward,” that’s what it means. It implies... no... demands dissatisfaction with the plateau and calls for ascent. I didn’t know why this word was so near to me, but recently things have become somewhat clearer in that area. I’m one who really doesn’t like to be in one place very long. I like to know the next place, and have had to learn through much frustration that God will not let me see where I am to be soon if I cannot, even with that knowledge, remain fully present where I am. I tend to become very discontent with my present surroundings, not bored, but restless. As if there is forever a movement that is necessary for me to be taking part in. Excelsior... I for many years I embraced this nature of my heart and spirit. And then I grew tired of attempting to ascend on my own strength and decided I must learn to be content. A different voice said that there was no higher place, there was nothing more to understand or know of God’s intention (all lies), and I believed it. It said that this place was good enough to rest awhile in and that there was much to do here, there was a difference to make in this place. You know what that’s called? When you know something out there is what you’re really after but you choose to either ignore that calling or you substitute something else in its place? Compromise. Compromise is the antithesis of excelsior, and I embraced it for the sake of temporal peace of mind and heart. I didn’t know what else to do.
Even in that plateau, there was my excelsior nature again. What I had settled for could not remain as it was. There must be ascent even in it. So again my flesh declared a journey to what was not mine to know, and what I considered an ascent was actually a haphazard ride straight down. Against everything I’d understood more and more, towards the place from where I began and even further until I was uncertain if I’d ever known anything but the pit. When the time came that my true nature and love could stand it no longer, and my real identity was screaming in my spirit to look at what I’d become, I claimed excelsior once again and found myself on level ground. Thank God this does not last long, and that His hand is forever long enough to reach into the pit and replace us in the Garden of our creation. He is Grace. Though I’d obeyed a different voice and left the Range I knew He’d created for me to find Him in, still He wants me to know Him anyway, and I do.
Now, as I look back on twenty one years, I wonder if for eighteen of them I knew anything but the foothills. My discontent declares there must be more and I long for the mountains. My heart hears a voice that calls me further into a range I did not know existed. My Lord made these mountains to be known. He made my heart to want to explore them and to do so with many others in intimacy and joyful adventure. Everyone makes the journey into the mountains alone and yet together. I must go higher. Sometimes I find a place of rest, as if I do not know where the next step is in this ascent, and I become frustrated once again. I hear that same voice suggesting this be “enough.” I cannot tell you how I hate that voice. I become frustrated with the limbo of between up and down. Sometimes this frustration suggests that I am back in the foothills again, and my heart becomes frightened that all is lost and I with it, but soon the light shines in that shadowed crevice and I see that there is indeed another step and my heart can once again find joy in the journey upward and homeward. This journey is not over, nor close to any from of completion. My discontent rests in the knowledge that there is more to explore in this world of faith, hope, and love. That freedom is presented to the willing that they may move and that there movement may be continuous.
My discontent does not rest in wanting more of this earth, but more of my God. I want to know what He has intended and what He has planned. My joy arrives at His word and it is this beautiful voice that calls me to claim the heights, not that I can look down, but that I may be nearer to His heart itself. You may choose where you will be. You have the right to stay where you are or to climb at your own pace. As for me, excelsior is my heart’s cry and I will run at the next word beckoning me closer that I hear. I wait for you only as long as He does not provide new light on the path. I long for you to come with me, but my desire for Him outweighs everything else. I’ve been accused of having tunnel vision, as if this is somehow a bad thing. I want Him and Him alone. Can you not support that or am I to compromise again? I will not, and it is this desire that keeps me in discontent; certainly joyful with what I have and praising Him for every Truth He has embedded in my heart, yet longing for more in the same moment. I do not thirst, yet I am not satisfied. I am willing to throw off any weight that pulls me away from Him and I am willing to cut any ties that would hinder this ascent. This may seem hasty, even harsh, rude, but I will remind you that I am not in these mountains to solely get to know you better, but Him, and if we are unified on that purpose, we will get to know each other better as we claim His calling. I am here to help you hear that ever beckoning voice. I am here to help shed light on your path if He so let’s me. I am here to declare what I have heard and how I know Him, hearing also of your discoveries and your joys. I hope you understand that I’m not out of my mind, neither am I angry. I long. I pine. I yearn. I am created to know Him and I will chase Him with everything He has given me to do so with. I just thought I’d share that with you, cause I’m not sure if it’ll ever come up in “casual” conversation. Let’s go.
Sincerely,
Greg
Even in that plateau, there was my excelsior nature again. What I had settled for could not remain as it was. There must be ascent even in it. So again my flesh declared a journey to what was not mine to know, and what I considered an ascent was actually a haphazard ride straight down. Against everything I’d understood more and more, towards the place from where I began and even further until I was uncertain if I’d ever known anything but the pit. When the time came that my true nature and love could stand it no longer, and my real identity was screaming in my spirit to look at what I’d become, I claimed excelsior once again and found myself on level ground. Thank God this does not last long, and that His hand is forever long enough to reach into the pit and replace us in the Garden of our creation. He is Grace. Though I’d obeyed a different voice and left the Range I knew He’d created for me to find Him in, still He wants me to know Him anyway, and I do.
Now, as I look back on twenty one years, I wonder if for eighteen of them I knew anything but the foothills. My discontent declares there must be more and I long for the mountains. My heart hears a voice that calls me further into a range I did not know existed. My Lord made these mountains to be known. He made my heart to want to explore them and to do so with many others in intimacy and joyful adventure. Everyone makes the journey into the mountains alone and yet together. I must go higher. Sometimes I find a place of rest, as if I do not know where the next step is in this ascent, and I become frustrated once again. I hear that same voice suggesting this be “enough.” I cannot tell you how I hate that voice. I become frustrated with the limbo of between up and down. Sometimes this frustration suggests that I am back in the foothills again, and my heart becomes frightened that all is lost and I with it, but soon the light shines in that shadowed crevice and I see that there is indeed another step and my heart can once again find joy in the journey upward and homeward. This journey is not over, nor close to any from of completion. My discontent rests in the knowledge that there is more to explore in this world of faith, hope, and love. That freedom is presented to the willing that they may move and that there movement may be continuous.
My discontent does not rest in wanting more of this earth, but more of my God. I want to know what He has intended and what He has planned. My joy arrives at His word and it is this beautiful voice that calls me to claim the heights, not that I can look down, but that I may be nearer to His heart itself. You may choose where you will be. You have the right to stay where you are or to climb at your own pace. As for me, excelsior is my heart’s cry and I will run at the next word beckoning me closer that I hear. I wait for you only as long as He does not provide new light on the path. I long for you to come with me, but my desire for Him outweighs everything else. I’ve been accused of having tunnel vision, as if this is somehow a bad thing. I want Him and Him alone. Can you not support that or am I to compromise again? I will not, and it is this desire that keeps me in discontent; certainly joyful with what I have and praising Him for every Truth He has embedded in my heart, yet longing for more in the same moment. I do not thirst, yet I am not satisfied. I am willing to throw off any weight that pulls me away from Him and I am willing to cut any ties that would hinder this ascent. This may seem hasty, even harsh, rude, but I will remind you that I am not in these mountains to solely get to know you better, but Him, and if we are unified on that purpose, we will get to know each other better as we claim His calling. I am here to help you hear that ever beckoning voice. I am here to help shed light on your path if He so let’s me. I am here to declare what I have heard and how I know Him, hearing also of your discoveries and your joys. I hope you understand that I’m not out of my mind, neither am I angry. I long. I pine. I yearn. I am created to know Him and I will chase Him with everything He has given me to do so with. I just thought I’d share that with you, cause I’m not sure if it’ll ever come up in “casual” conversation. Let’s go.
Sincerely,
Greg
Sunday, April 26, 2009
April 26, 2009: Watch
Dear You,
I’ve been thinking about you all day... I want to say, “I’m sorry” cause I know you don’t like that... you don’t like people paying you special mind at all usually... but I really can’t help it and I can’t apologize. My heart has broken probably ten times at least in the last hour with thoughts of where you are... where you keep yourself. I guess maybe I wonder how scared you are... cause every time I’m around you I just feel like you’re afraid of something, and that something is love. I know you’re not afraid to love, but I wonder if you would let yourself be loved... I wonder how many times you’ve been hurt and therefore refuse to be vulnerable enough for that risk again... my heart breaks for you even now and I can’t explain it. I just want you to know it’s real and it’s good... that it’s nothing to be afraid of and that it will be okay. Am I making stuff up and mistaking what I see? Perhaps, but I wish you’d at least tell me with a straight face and a pure heart I’m wrong if so. I can’t speak for anyone else, so I won’t right here. I love you and I’m willing to show it as best as I can, but as it is I cannot. You’re too afraid. It’s like you’ve put a filter on your vision... a filter that blocks out everything the color of love... so it’s not even there anymore... at least not in your world (It’s allowed in others’ worlds). I know that makes me disappear, or at least most of me... what is safe to see you’ll still recognize. I feel like you’re scared, and that truly hurts... there’s a world here waiting to be added to what you know already... do you even know when you put the filter on? Again, maybe I’m wrong, but I with you’d say so. I’m not trying to be anything but myself here... I’m shy, I’m brave, I’m perceptive, and blind all at the same time, and all I really want is to see you joyful... overwhelmed with the reality of Truth... present in love. I’d speak a thousand words, which is not much by my standards, but I’d do it a million times and maybe that’d count for something... I’d give all that I have, which isn’t much at all, but I’d do it every day and it would be my pleasure... I’d give my life itself (maybe I already have)... no questions asked; I’m willing for you. I don’t have a hero complex and I am not trying to be your savior; I’m much to weak and small for that.
I don’t know what to do anymore... I will not leave this place, actually I can’t anymore than I could decide to move to Saturn. Yet I realize that some of these walls that keep us apart you put up yourself. Most of them erected before my arrival, yet some of them even since. Either way, I cannot do you the injustice of trying to tear them down. So I’ll write this little note to you and slip it through the cracks to be examined and analyzed and inspected... if I’m lucky you’ll declare it worthy of response... as it is now though, I wait. I’m dismantling my walls, hoping you see. I am willing to be seen for what I am, and I am more than willing to let you witness transformation. I am not willing to be static. I am not willing to stay as I am, I long to become what I was created to be and I am not afraid of what that looks like. I am in every sense a creature living in grace, willing to obey the call to freedom and fully devoted to that reality. I don’t know what’s next... I don’t even know if you take me seriously or if I’m now simply “out there” to you. I don’t even know if this makes any sense at all, but my heart broke and, well, this came flooding out.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore... my heart hurts for you and I feel like you’re afraid. I don’t know what to do about that so I’m rambling with words and dreams and hopes and schemes... trying to figure out if I can help you not be afraid anymore... it’s not that there’s nothing dangerous out here, in fact, there’s more danger “out there” than anywhere else, in that sense your walls have served their purpose, you’re “safe.” The problem is, you are all there is in there, and you and I both know that you are not all that you need and that you are not all that you want. I know you just don’t want to be hurt, but staying in control doesn’t keep that from happening. In fact, it only makes the pain that much worse when it happens, because then you blame yourself for whatever reasons. Yes, there is danger outside of the walls... but I tell you the truth, I’ll protect you with a strength that could not possibly be my own. I’m not asking you to give up being yourself, in fact, I’m asking exactly the opposite. I’m asking you to let others see who you are. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what it is I feel like I need to say or even if I can say anything that will really reveal what I’m praying and longing for for you. I guess I’m writing this with a hint of hope and an expectation of tears in the same moment. Maybe what I’m really trying to say is that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ve seen something deeper than what you’ve shown, and I love it, I love you. Can words sway fear? I don’t know, only if they’re true, and these are. I guess all I’m asking is that you watch... just watch and when you see “it”... when it hits you that there is nothing to be afraid of and that even if there is danger it’s worth every moment of freedom you experience: RUN. Watch... with your eyes wide open, filter off, heart peeking ever so cautiously, you’ll see the truth of this love... and I think you’ll find it beautiful. I don't know what else to do. I speak only for myself with this. I can do nothing else. I love you. Goodnight.
Openly,
Greg
I’ve been thinking about you all day... I want to say, “I’m sorry” cause I know you don’t like that... you don’t like people paying you special mind at all usually... but I really can’t help it and I can’t apologize. My heart has broken probably ten times at least in the last hour with thoughts of where you are... where you keep yourself. I guess maybe I wonder how scared you are... cause every time I’m around you I just feel like you’re afraid of something, and that something is love. I know you’re not afraid to love, but I wonder if you would let yourself be loved... I wonder how many times you’ve been hurt and therefore refuse to be vulnerable enough for that risk again... my heart breaks for you even now and I can’t explain it. I just want you to know it’s real and it’s good... that it’s nothing to be afraid of and that it will be okay. Am I making stuff up and mistaking what I see? Perhaps, but I wish you’d at least tell me with a straight face and a pure heart I’m wrong if so. I can’t speak for anyone else, so I won’t right here. I love you and I’m willing to show it as best as I can, but as it is I cannot. You’re too afraid. It’s like you’ve put a filter on your vision... a filter that blocks out everything the color of love... so it’s not even there anymore... at least not in your world (It’s allowed in others’ worlds). I know that makes me disappear, or at least most of me... what is safe to see you’ll still recognize. I feel like you’re scared, and that truly hurts... there’s a world here waiting to be added to what you know already... do you even know when you put the filter on? Again, maybe I’m wrong, but I with you’d say so. I’m not trying to be anything but myself here... I’m shy, I’m brave, I’m perceptive, and blind all at the same time, and all I really want is to see you joyful... overwhelmed with the reality of Truth... present in love. I’d speak a thousand words, which is not much by my standards, but I’d do it a million times and maybe that’d count for something... I’d give all that I have, which isn’t much at all, but I’d do it every day and it would be my pleasure... I’d give my life itself (maybe I already have)... no questions asked; I’m willing for you. I don’t have a hero complex and I am not trying to be your savior; I’m much to weak and small for that.
I don’t know what to do anymore... I will not leave this place, actually I can’t anymore than I could decide to move to Saturn. Yet I realize that some of these walls that keep us apart you put up yourself. Most of them erected before my arrival, yet some of them even since. Either way, I cannot do you the injustice of trying to tear them down. So I’ll write this little note to you and slip it through the cracks to be examined and analyzed and inspected... if I’m lucky you’ll declare it worthy of response... as it is now though, I wait. I’m dismantling my walls, hoping you see. I am willing to be seen for what I am, and I am more than willing to let you witness transformation. I am not willing to be static. I am not willing to stay as I am, I long to become what I was created to be and I am not afraid of what that looks like. I am in every sense a creature living in grace, willing to obey the call to freedom and fully devoted to that reality. I don’t know what’s next... I don’t even know if you take me seriously or if I’m now simply “out there” to you. I don’t even know if this makes any sense at all, but my heart broke and, well, this came flooding out.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore... my heart hurts for you and I feel like you’re afraid. I don’t know what to do about that so I’m rambling with words and dreams and hopes and schemes... trying to figure out if I can help you not be afraid anymore... it’s not that there’s nothing dangerous out here, in fact, there’s more danger “out there” than anywhere else, in that sense your walls have served their purpose, you’re “safe.” The problem is, you are all there is in there, and you and I both know that you are not all that you need and that you are not all that you want. I know you just don’t want to be hurt, but staying in control doesn’t keep that from happening. In fact, it only makes the pain that much worse when it happens, because then you blame yourself for whatever reasons. Yes, there is danger outside of the walls... but I tell you the truth, I’ll protect you with a strength that could not possibly be my own. I’m not asking you to give up being yourself, in fact, I’m asking exactly the opposite. I’m asking you to let others see who you are. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what it is I feel like I need to say or even if I can say anything that will really reveal what I’m praying and longing for for you. I guess I’m writing this with a hint of hope and an expectation of tears in the same moment. Maybe what I’m really trying to say is that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ve seen something deeper than what you’ve shown, and I love it, I love you. Can words sway fear? I don’t know, only if they’re true, and these are. I guess all I’m asking is that you watch... just watch and when you see “it”... when it hits you that there is nothing to be afraid of and that even if there is danger it’s worth every moment of freedom you experience: RUN. Watch... with your eyes wide open, filter off, heart peeking ever so cautiously, you’ll see the truth of this love... and I think you’ll find it beautiful. I don't know what else to do. I speak only for myself with this. I can do nothing else. I love you. Goodnight.
Openly,
Greg
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Re: Childlike Concern
Most people in my sphere of existence are familiar with the music of Five Iron Frenzy. Brave Saint Saturn is side project created by Reese Roper and a few other members of FIF intended to let out more of the dark and intense thoughts they were not comfortable sharing via ska. This band has really captured me many times, the latest being this afternoon. These lyrics are posted for you to read, but I encourage you to listen to the song itself if you can somehow.
I'm not here to interpret a song, but I'll share with you what God wrote on my heart while I was listening if you're willing to listen. What happens to our forever protecting nature? This is not the time or place for a debate on original sin and shameless pain or evil, but I generally think that most of us at one point in time would rather protect the creation than destroy it. There is such a radical shift displayed in this song, and it depicts so many of our lives. How do we regain the childlike concern we cherish and treasure in such words as in this first verse? Maybe that's just me... maybe you don't see those words and feel inside that's the way it should be, then go on to read the second verse and realize that's what reflects reality more often than not. We must regain that concern for the HEALING and restoration that is necessary in the lives of many around us. How long will it be before our hearts break for freedom and healing? How long will it be before our tears "sing?" There's a lot going on in my heart and head right now... I wonder if there might be a bit going on in yours now, too. I hope so.
-Greg
------------------------
Starling
By: Brave Saint Saturn
Album: Anti-Meridian
Filthy bird laying in our yard,
four chambered heart never beat so hard.
Dad said she was almost gone,
upside down out on our lawn.
And I could hold her in a shoe box,
if she heals she could be mine.
And if I cannot save her spirit,
dad says I should break her spine.
Shaking, brilliant, silver-black wings,
Jesus Christ, what prayers these tears sing.
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Two years pass, I pumped the chamber,
full of air to shoot the birds.
Harmless game to hit them slightly,
to scare them off, in other words.
Starling falling to her death,
piercing copper steals her breath.
See the flutter in her breast,
starving babies in her nest.
Raise their souls up to the sky,
why must helpless creatures die?
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Every breath has sacred weight,
every life has some design.
Can we kill and also save,
speak of life, while digging graves?
I'm not here to interpret a song, but I'll share with you what God wrote on my heart while I was listening if you're willing to listen. What happens to our forever protecting nature? This is not the time or place for a debate on original sin and shameless pain or evil, but I generally think that most of us at one point in time would rather protect the creation than destroy it. There is such a radical shift displayed in this song, and it depicts so many of our lives. How do we regain the childlike concern we cherish and treasure in such words as in this first verse? Maybe that's just me... maybe you don't see those words and feel inside that's the way it should be, then go on to read the second verse and realize that's what reflects reality more often than not. We must regain that concern for the HEALING and restoration that is necessary in the lives of many around us. How long will it be before our hearts break for freedom and healing? How long will it be before our tears "sing?" There's a lot going on in my heart and head right now... I wonder if there might be a bit going on in yours now, too. I hope so.
-Greg
------------------------
Starling
By: Brave Saint Saturn
Album: Anti-Meridian
Filthy bird laying in our yard,
four chambered heart never beat so hard.
Dad said she was almost gone,
upside down out on our lawn.
And I could hold her in a shoe box,
if she heals she could be mine.
And if I cannot save her spirit,
dad says I should break her spine.
Shaking, brilliant, silver-black wings,
Jesus Christ, what prayers these tears sing.
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Two years pass, I pumped the chamber,
full of air to shoot the birds.
Harmless game to hit them slightly,
to scare them off, in other words.
Starling falling to her death,
piercing copper steals her breath.
See the flutter in her breast,
starving babies in her nest.
Raise their souls up to the sky,
why must helpless creatures die?
Wear your hearts out on your sleeves for
starlings... starlings.
Of the least of all of these,
are starlings... starlings.
Every breath has sacred weight,
every life has some design.
Can we kill and also save,
speak of life, while digging graves?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Re: Heroism
Just some thoughts spinning around up in my head for the past few days...
What is a hero? You know... those people we look up to as if they have found something we haven't... is there really something extraordinary in their persona or circumstances that make them such... or is it really the notion that it is THEIR persona in the midst of circumstances... if hiding is unnatural... if exposure is so risky and vulnerability is so extremely uncomfortable, yet it's something we all look up to... then what if heroes really are just people who dared to embrace being the person God created them to be? While the rest of the world is mimicking those daring few and thinking to themselves "I'd like to be that" or some such other notion, they are willing to say, "I want to be myself." What does that mean for the extraordinary? What does that mean for the ordinary? What is a hero? I really think I am coming to believe that a hero is simply someone who has done just that... become not just content, but delighted with their created purpose (note this can only be known after coming to a knowing of a purpose Creator)... someone who may just have really, truly said- "I enjoy being me. I am not just comfortable with myself, but as I discover more and more who God intended me to be with Him, I find that I am more and more delighted."
Could it really be?
I know this is repetitive... but I cannot escape thoughts concerned with the truth of our identities. I cannot escape thoughts concerning hiding and exposure and discovery and somewhere along the lines you come into those thoughts... so I wonder what you think back. Maybe we can have a small conversation... maybe not. Either way, let's get out there.
What is a hero? You know... those people we look up to as if they have found something we haven't... is there really something extraordinary in their persona or circumstances that make them such... or is it really the notion that it is THEIR persona in the midst of circumstances... if hiding is unnatural... if exposure is so risky and vulnerability is so extremely uncomfortable, yet it's something we all look up to... then what if heroes really are just people who dared to embrace being the person God created them to be? While the rest of the world is mimicking those daring few and thinking to themselves "I'd like to be that" or some such other notion, they are willing to say, "I want to be myself." What does that mean for the extraordinary? What does that mean for the ordinary? What is a hero? I really think I am coming to believe that a hero is simply someone who has done just that... become not just content, but delighted with their created purpose (note this can only be known after coming to a knowing of a purpose Creator)... someone who may just have really, truly said- "I enjoy being me. I am not just comfortable with myself, but as I discover more and more who God intended me to be with Him, I find that I am more and more delighted."
Could it really be?
I know this is repetitive... but I cannot escape thoughts concerned with the truth of our identities. I cannot escape thoughts concerning hiding and exposure and discovery and somewhere along the lines you come into those thoughts... so I wonder what you think back. Maybe we can have a small conversation... maybe not. Either way, let's get out there.
April 6, 2009: Nope... It's just me
Dear You,
What are you supposed to do when something connects with your heart so purely that you're speechless? (yes, without speech) The song lyric's at the bottom of this page are not (to the best of my knowledge) original to David Crowder, though it is his recording that has struck something deep inside of me. I hear something here... and I can't really explain it. It's more than the rousing war cry that the Supertones evoke from my spirit... it's more than the gentle affirmation that Jars of Clay so often presents to my mind. It's a pain in my chest. This song hurts and I don't exactly know why, except that I feel these words as if a million people were screaming them into my heart, "All of my life, I've been in hiding..." and all I can think is that I want them to COME OUT. The world around us, our lives, our experiences, so often our own people- have done so much to distort the nature and identity that God has intended for us. Yes, I know the effects of sin, the brutality of lies on lives, and there is something here that pulls from within me an enraged cry of "ENOUGH!" There are so many hiding... there are so many hidden. Hurt, broken, deceived, embittered, torn, shattered, puffed up- all hiding. I think back to the response Adam and Eve had in the Garden when they hid themselves. Who from?
From EACH OTHER...
and...
From God Himself.
We are not meant to be hidden.
We are meant to know Him and others and be known as well. Yet we are scared... confused... and for most of us, it has been for what seems like all of our lives that we've been in this place: HIDDEN. I can't really stand it anymore. I myself do not feel hidden- and that has been a very recent freedom, which is really what it is... FREEDOM. Yes, my tactics may seem and feel a bit different than what others may have done before me, but there is something here... something that can't not be done. There is something about this that I cannot escape. Identity... BEING... the question "WHO AM I?" these things, hearing you whisper them under your breath in frustration and even sorrow, they empassion my own soul... this song... these words... YOUR and HIS words speaking to me... my heart. There are so many "wishing there were someone" and I know that I am, in all actuality, someone, and I know that I can help you come out of hiding. I know it's what I was meant to do... to introduce you to Freedom by Name... to introduce you to Truth by Face. Not simply words that carry abstract meaning and connotations of hope or a fleeting and illusive ghostly Being... the master of "hide and seek"... no, not him, but the Being, the One, the Answer, the Revealed, the Exposed (not hidden) God. He, Who truly displayed HIS own nature, was more naked than you or I could ever imagine being, when He died in our places. That is a naked God, not a hidden God. And He reveals Himself so that you yourself may be exposed, and know who you actually are... that you may know Him as He created you to... that you may know the Truth... and that you may be FREE to BE who He created you to be.
Sigh...
Exhale... again... breathe out once more... that's all I've got. There's something here and it just tears me up and puts me together all at the same time. Maybe you'll give it a listen and hear nothing. Maybe you'll hear eternity beckoning. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for you... I want to know you... I can't as long as you hide... I'm trying my very best to let you see me... to be in plain sight... not just so you see me, but so that you recognize that I want nothing more than for you to join us.
-Greg
.....................................................
Deliver Me
By: David Crowder* Band
From: Illuminate
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me...
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
What are you supposed to do when something connects with your heart so purely that you're speechless? (yes, without speech) The song lyric's at the bottom of this page are not (to the best of my knowledge) original to David Crowder, though it is his recording that has struck something deep inside of me. I hear something here... and I can't really explain it. It's more than the rousing war cry that the Supertones evoke from my spirit... it's more than the gentle affirmation that Jars of Clay so often presents to my mind. It's a pain in my chest. This song hurts and I don't exactly know why, except that I feel these words as if a million people were screaming them into my heart, "All of my life, I've been in hiding..." and all I can think is that I want them to COME OUT. The world around us, our lives, our experiences, so often our own people- have done so much to distort the nature and identity that God has intended for us. Yes, I know the effects of sin, the brutality of lies on lives, and there is something here that pulls from within me an enraged cry of "ENOUGH!" There are so many hiding... there are so many hidden. Hurt, broken, deceived, embittered, torn, shattered, puffed up- all hiding. I think back to the response Adam and Eve had in the Garden when they hid themselves. Who from?
From EACH OTHER...
and...
From God Himself.
We are not meant to be hidden.
We are meant to know Him and others and be known as well. Yet we are scared... confused... and for most of us, it has been for what seems like all of our lives that we've been in this place: HIDDEN. I can't really stand it anymore. I myself do not feel hidden- and that has been a very recent freedom, which is really what it is... FREEDOM. Yes, my tactics may seem and feel a bit different than what others may have done before me, but there is something here... something that can't not be done. There is something about this that I cannot escape. Identity... BEING... the question "WHO AM I?" these things, hearing you whisper them under your breath in frustration and even sorrow, they empassion my own soul... this song... these words... YOUR and HIS words speaking to me... my heart. There are so many "wishing there were someone" and I know that I am, in all actuality, someone, and I know that I can help you come out of hiding. I know it's what I was meant to do... to introduce you to Freedom by Name... to introduce you to Truth by Face. Not simply words that carry abstract meaning and connotations of hope or a fleeting and illusive ghostly Being... the master of "hide and seek"... no, not him, but the Being, the One, the Answer, the Revealed, the Exposed (not hidden) God. He, Who truly displayed HIS own nature, was more naked than you or I could ever imagine being, when He died in our places. That is a naked God, not a hidden God. And He reveals Himself so that you yourself may be exposed, and know who you actually are... that you may know Him as He created you to... that you may know the Truth... and that you may be FREE to BE who He created you to be.
Sigh...
Exhale... again... breathe out once more... that's all I've got. There's something here and it just tears me up and puts me together all at the same time. Maybe you'll give it a listen and hear nothing. Maybe you'll hear eternity beckoning. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for you... I want to know you... I can't as long as you hide... I'm trying my very best to let you see me... to be in plain sight... not just so you see me, but so that you recognize that I want nothing more than for you to join us.
-Greg
.....................................................
Deliver Me
By: David Crowder* Band
From: Illuminate
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me...
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
Monday, March 23, 2009
March 23, 2009: Do Not Be Mistaken
Dear you,
(This letter will sound harsh, be warned)
Do not be mistaken, for we will not be blamed for your decisions to remain in bindings and chains, though you try, though you declare it is our fault- this is a lie. There is truth and there are standards, none so high you cannot reach them by becoming low, and none so low you cannot attain by seeing who you truly are. In the same way that a bride will not be shamed by her husband on their day of joy, this Body will not be disgraced for what She "has" or "has not done" on His day as well. Do not think for a moment your slander will be tolerated or held credible. You hold your own destiny in that point. She will be defended with fire, protected with armies, and blessed with the glory of Her Lover's presence.
If for one moment you think you will take away His joy or delight over and in Her; you do not know Him. She will not be put to shame on that day. It will not be She who is removed from favor, for She has hidden nothing from Him. It will not be She who is asked to leave His presence, for She did not invite Herself. No, it will be you: the unknown, the deceitful, the wicked who will be asked to never speak to Them again. It will be you who are removed from the joyful presence of their union. It will be you who cannot work any more division, destruction, or thievery in their lives. She cannot be touched, for She will be His own. She will not be blamed for your bondage or pain. She will not be blamed for your hatred or jealousy. It will not be. Do not be mistaken, your words against Her will not even reach His ears.
In Truth,
Me
..........................
I feel the need to explain this in part: I'm tired of hearing the excuse for unbelief/disregard for the Word of God or the Truth of Christ as the fault of the Church. I do not believe that in the day of the Lord's return (whatever you call it, whenever you consider it to be), that the Beloved Bride of Christ will be shamed by His word or by the word of anyone. I do not believe for a moment that He will look upon her with anything other than pure joy and delight. I do not believe that she will feel guilty, broken, unwelcome, failing, or ashamed when she stands in His presence, and to all those who plan to blame Her actions or lack thereof (whether historically or individually) as the reason they do not know Him are mistaken in their relationship. He will not shame Her, not will He entertain slander/accusation against Her. His declaration will be one of perfection, for He Himself is perfect and She is His. There will be no word brought against her, she will not be tried or even accused. Do not be mistaken.
(This letter will sound harsh, be warned)
Do not be mistaken, for we will not be blamed for your decisions to remain in bindings and chains, though you try, though you declare it is our fault- this is a lie. There is truth and there are standards, none so high you cannot reach them by becoming low, and none so low you cannot attain by seeing who you truly are. In the same way that a bride will not be shamed by her husband on their day of joy, this Body will not be disgraced for what She "has" or "has not done" on His day as well. Do not think for a moment your slander will be tolerated or held credible. You hold your own destiny in that point. She will be defended with fire, protected with armies, and blessed with the glory of Her Lover's presence.
If for one moment you think you will take away His joy or delight over and in Her; you do not know Him. She will not be put to shame on that day. It will not be She who is removed from favor, for She has hidden nothing from Him. It will not be She who is asked to leave His presence, for She did not invite Herself. No, it will be you: the unknown, the deceitful, the wicked who will be asked to never speak to Them again. It will be you who are removed from the joyful presence of their union. It will be you who cannot work any more division, destruction, or thievery in their lives. She cannot be touched, for She will be His own. She will not be blamed for your bondage or pain. She will not be blamed for your hatred or jealousy. It will not be. Do not be mistaken, your words against Her will not even reach His ears.
In Truth,
Me
..........................
I feel the need to explain this in part: I'm tired of hearing the excuse for unbelief/disregard for the Word of God or the Truth of Christ as the fault of the Church. I do not believe that in the day of the Lord's return (whatever you call it, whenever you consider it to be), that the Beloved Bride of Christ will be shamed by His word or by the word of anyone. I do not believe for a moment that He will look upon her with anything other than pure joy and delight. I do not believe that she will feel guilty, broken, unwelcome, failing, or ashamed when she stands in His presence, and to all those who plan to blame Her actions or lack thereof (whether historically or individually) as the reason they do not know Him are mistaken in their relationship. He will not shame Her, not will He entertain slander/accusation against Her. His declaration will be one of perfection, for He Himself is perfect and She is His. There will be no word brought against her, she will not be tried or even accused. Do not be mistaken.
Rapture
Someday...
There will be a moment
When the ground that sees more grief
Than any other ground
Will take part in the singular
Most joyful moment of history
And that grief will be overwhelmed
By the moment
Forgotten forever
There will be a moment
When the ground that sees more grief
Than any other ground
Will take part in the singular
Most joyful moment of history
And that grief will be overwhelmed
By the moment
Forgotten forever
(Company over Location)
Someday...
I'll be brave enough to go with You
To a place known for 'stones and death
And in that place, together, we'll play
I'll be brave enough to go with You
To a place known for 'stones and death
And in that place, together, we'll play
Desert Rose
As I walked through a land of sand and sand
By heat and dryness of all moments
Sometimes over dunes and hills
Others into valleys and deep, deep cliffs
When the dryness never ceased
And where the sun has never set
All at once I noticed at my weary feet
Something I dared not believe though I was there
A flower greeted my journeyed eyes
One such whose shape and color are irrelevant
I adored it there for several moments
Perhaps five minutes, perhaps five days
I thanked God for the display of beauty and life
Singular to this vast land of sand and sand
And then I walked on
By heat and dryness of all moments
Sometimes over dunes and hills
Others into valleys and deep, deep cliffs
When the dryness never ceased
And where the sun has never set
All at once I noticed at my weary feet
Something I dared not believe though I was there
A flower greeted my journeyed eyes
One such whose shape and color are irrelevant
I adored it there for several moments
Perhaps five minutes, perhaps five days
I thanked God for the display of beauty and life
Singular to this vast land of sand and sand
And then I walked on
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Question
Do we live up to the call of sanctification or do we live out of it? What's the difference? Also, do we "pursue" holiness by means of actions/choices (the emphasis being on the what of doing) or do we live in holiness by way of submission (the emphasis being on the Who of what's been done)? Again, what's the difference?
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